Emerald Green and the seven dudes
by thedisgruntledsorceressofirony
Summary: a natious girl is plagued by a silly cast and a step-mother who is the subject of mockery


Emerald Green and the seven dudes!  
  
*Snow White and the seven dwarves doesn't belong to me. I love writing these spoofs for  
fun*  
  
Scene opens and camera pans in on a flowing green meadow and a young girl watching  
the ocean off in the distance move back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...  
  
Emerald Green-Urp! I'm feeling sick! I think I'm gonna....  
  
Narrator-Now you know why her name is Emerald Green!  
  
Emerald Green-*walking back* Well thank you! That was a really nice thing to say!  
Not!!!!! *walks off in a huff*  
  
Camera follows her and the credits roll:  
  
Director- Allison Wonderland  
Emerald Green- Kirsten Dunst  
Evil Queen- Julia Roberts  
Woodsman- Hugh Grant  
Mirror- Allison Wonderland  
Prince- Jackie Chan  
Narrator- Bob Smith  
The seven Dudes:  
Hottie- Erik von Detten  
Famous- Heath Ledger  
Spanish- Antonio Banderez  
Annoying- Tom Cruze  
Dumb-ass- Keanu Reeves  
Athletic- Ichiro Suzuki  
Musical- Craig David  
Ms. Not appearing- Catherine Zeda Jones  
  
Male audience- awwwww!  
  
Narrator- Emerald green arrived at a nearby strip mall located somewhere in Hollywood.   
(Boy this must have been 100's of miles away from the meadow!)  
  
EG- After I rinse my mouth out I think I will try on clothes in "the Gap."  
  
Narrator- Meanwhile back at the castle a mean old Queen got a bright idea!  
  
Queen- Hey I have and illuminous idea!  
  
Director- you know no matter how large of a vocabulary you have, you are still repeating  
Bob!  
  
Narr- Thanx...I feel so loved!  
  
Director- now don't go that far.  
  
Queen- *clears throat*  
  
Narr- erm...right! She decided that she was so incredibly beautiful that no one else was  
nearly as beautiful as her. So when she found a truthful, perceptive, talking mirror she  
had to get it.  
  
Queen- It was on sale! Marked down from $59.95 to $19.95 and they add a free car air  
freshener...although it was $43 S and H and the air freshener was warm fish scented...oh  
well!  
  
Narr- As I was saying! She decided to ask this mirror who was the best looking woman.  
  
Queen- Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?  
  
Mirror- well not you obviously! You are one ugly old fart! I mean Emerald Green is  
extremely hot... well... when she's not sick. And you...hmm...your complexion is okay...  
but your nose is huge! However that's nothing when compared to your hideous lips! Not  
to mention...  
  
Queen- Okay! I think I get it!  
  
Mirror- ...And what's with the stupid rhyming bit...I mean Mirror, Mirror on the wall.   
Honestly!  
  
Queen- Shut the crap up! You stupid, horrid Mirror! I hate you, go to hell!  
  
Narr- Queen breaks the mirror  
  
Mirror- Ha ha! seven years bad luck for you! Did it never occur to you that I'm a "magic"  
mirror for a reason?!!!?  
  
Narr- Mirror starts to reassemble  
  
Queen- Now I know why you were on sale you stupid dumb-ass!  
  
Mirror- Yeah, but who is so stupid she has to repeat everything? What, you can't even  
think of something witty to say so you just have to keep repeating the same thing over  
and over?  
  
Queen- That's it!!! To the storage shed with you!!!  
  
Narr- Queen riddes herself of the perceptive mirror and continues with the story.  
  
Queen- Yo Huntsman!  
  
(huntsman enters)  
  
Huntsman- Yes your ugliness!  
  
Queen- Let me rephrase "Yo unperceptive, blind, stupid huntsman."  
  
Director- Oww! That's gotta hurt!  
  
Queen- Go find Emerald Green and kill her!  
  
(Muffled mirror from storage shed)- Now you're resorting to clichés, boy are you  
desperate, I mean....  
  
Huntsman- OOOoooo that's kind of harsh, don't you think?  
  
Queen- Am I hearing this? You're in a first class movie! You are working for the good  
of all Americans (American flag pops up behind her) You are enabling all the decent men  
and women of this fine nation to be individuals. Giving them the right to not conform to  
the a cookie cutter cut out of society's depraved idea of a perfect person. You alone will  
enable people to stand up for what they believe in. That's the American Way....  
  
Narr- Osama Binladen shows up and tries to blow up Patriotic Queen, but he only  
succeeds in burning the flag which just pisses off the people of the US even more.  
  
Huntsman- Yeah, right... fine, whatever you want. *walks off*  
  
Narr- Back at the mall...  
  
EG- I guess I shouldn't have maxed out my credit card when I have to walk home! All  
this exercise is making me sick...imagine that!  
  
Narr- Huntsman pulls up with a black super-stretch limo.  
  
Huntsman- Do you want a ride home...I have plenty of room... this is a super-stretch limo  
after all.  
  
EG- No shit!!  
  
Huntsman- goodness gracious watch your language!  
  
EG- oops sorry...my bad!  
  
Huntsman- *sounds huffy* Well you know I don't HAVE to bring you home. I mean the  
evil queen says to... darn I wasn't supposed to say that.  
  
EG- You are starting to sound like Hagrid in that Harry Potter movie.  
  
Audience- Yeah!!!!  
  
EG- ...And what was that jabber about an evil queen????  
  
Huntsman- *cough* she says *cough* that she wants me to *cough, cough* (kill you)  
*cough*  
  
Emerald Green's eyes swell up so that she looks like a sad puppy dog from looney tunes  
untill the anime like tears pour from her face....while she looks sick....like usual.  
  
EG- WWWWWAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! She wan't you to kill  
mmmmmeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa!!! WWWWWWWwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! *sniff*  
*sniff* b-but you w-won't let her w-will you!! *sniff*  
  
Huntsman looks like he's gonna break down crying as well.  
  
EG- save me...pppppppwwwwwwwweeeeeeeaaaaaasssssssseeeeee!!! ("please" for the  
literate)  
  
Huntsman- *looks hurt* o-okay...  
  
Sorry... this stupid scene has been inturupted by an important announcement... It seems  
that our director is on the roof threatening to detonate a bomb unless we cut to the  
murderous queen part...and she hopes that Erik von Detten who is playing "Hottie" will  
come and negotiate the terms w/ her.  
  
Hottie- Please protect me!!!!!!! Don't let that head-case harm me!!!  
  
CandC- *laugh deviously* Sure we will! mu hu ha ha!  
  
Erik von Detten walks up to most certain doom when he finds that the scene on the roof  
is rather tropical and fun and there is a huge party... for his B-Day. (October 3)  
  
Director- Now let's watch Julia Roberts try to kill EG!!!  
  
Audience- Yeah finally!!! 


End file.
